As everyone knows, graphic designers are the reason there are so many wars in this world. They get inside our heads with subliminal advertising, brainwash us into spending money on shit we don’t need, and eventually, drive us to depression and random acts of violence. And of course, most of them are communists. So in order to help rid the world of them, here’s a list of things you can do when working with a graphic designer, to make sure they have a burn-out and leave this business FOREVER.
1. Microsoft Office
When a graphic designer asks you for a document, make sure you send them something made with Microsoft Office. PC version if possible. If you need to send pictures, you’ll have more success in driving them mad if, instead of just sending a jpeg or a raw camera file, you embed the pictures inside a Microsoft Office document like Word or Powerpoint. Don’t forget to lower the resolution to 72 dpi so that they’ll have to contact you again for a higher quality version. When you send them the ‘higher’ version, make sure the size is at least 50% smaller. And if you’re using email to send the pictures, forget the attachment once in a while. It’s kind of a dick move, but they deserve it. Graphic designers are all born rapists, you know.
2. Fonts & Whitespace
Let’s say you want a newsletter designed. Graphic designers will always try to leave white space everywhere, around the logo, pictures and even by increasing the space between the lines of text! They will tell you that they do this because it’s easier to read, and leads to a more clean, professional look. But do not believe those lies. The reason they do this is to make the document bigger, with more pages, so that it costs you more at the print shop. Why do they do it? Because graphic designers hate you. They also eat babies. Uncooked, raw baby meat. So make sure to have them squeeze as much text as possible on the same page. You should also ask them to use as many fonts as you can, TO SPICE IT UP AND HAVE A FUNKYER LAYOUT! Comic Sans, Papyrus & Monotype Corsiva ALL IN CAPS! Designers will try to argue, and defend their choices but don’t worry, in the end the client is always right.
If you must send your logo to your graphic designer, make sure that the file isn’t in EPS, PDF or AI format. When your designer requests a “vectron” file, take your logo in JPG format and insert it inside an Illustrator document. Better yet, place your logo over a complex background, like a photo of your dog for example, and flatten all the layers. White or black backgrounds should be avoided as they are easy to cut out. When your designer is done extracting your logo, admit that you finally found a vector version, so you shouldn’t have to pay for the work he did so far.
If you need a custom logo for your company, send your own sketches drawn on dirty napkins. Or better yet, ask your 9 year old niece to draw them for you. Each sketch shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes to make. You don’t want something simple and easy to understand, the less your designer understands your concept, the more changes you can ask for later. Never accept the first logo, never accept the ninth… Ask to have several changes to colours, fonts and ask to add clipart. Bring your wife over so she can help with the process. She is very good at scrapbooking, after all. When your designer shows you version #12, answer that you preferred version #2. I know, it’s mean but remember: graphic designers are the cause of breast cancer among middle aged women.
4. How to express yourself
When describing your needs, use terms that don’t mean anything. Things like “Can you jazz it up a bit?” , “The layout doesn’t speak to me. I need a layout that speaks to me?” or “Can you make it more webbish?”. Don’t feel bad about it. In fact, it’s your duty because we all know that on full moons, graphic designers shape-shift into werewolves.
To select colours that will be used in the design (because it’s up to YOU to decide and not the designer) write random colours on pieces of paper, put them in a hat and choose. The graphic designer will suggest to stay with 2-3 main colours at the most, but what does he know? Choose as many as you like, and make sure to do the hat thing in front of him. While doing it, hum that very annoying song that’s been playing on the radio lately. You know which one.
When it’s your turn to approve the design, take your time. There is no rush. Take two days. Take six. Just as long as when the deadline of the project approaches, you get back to the designer with more corrections and changes that he has time to make. After all, graphic designers were behind the 911 attacks, the JFK assassination, the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the 2012 London Olympic Games logo.
After you’ve applied this list on your victim, it is part of human nature (although some would argue whether graphic designers are human or not) to get a bit insecure. After realizing that there’s no way to satisfy your needs, the graphic designer will most likely abandon all hopes of winning an argument and will just do whatever you say, without question. You want that in purple? Purple it is. Six different fonts? Sure! You would think that you would have won at this point, but don’t forget the goal of this: your designer has to quit this business. So be ready for the final blow: When making decisions on the final details, say that you’re disappointed by his lack of initiative. Tell him that after all, he is the designer and that he should be the one to put his expertise and talent at work, not you. That you were expecting design advice from him. Tell him you’ve had enough with his lack of creativity and that you would rather do your own layouts on Powerpoint instead of paying for his services. And there you go. You should have graphic designer all tucked into a straight jacket in no time!
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